A Mrs. Brady Lappie for you !

Just a little warm, comfort and distraction from this hellish Boston winter! Please leave an appropriate tip.

Hamstring Gate

I just recently took the under in Vegas on JD Drew’s total number of games played this upcoming season. At under 120 starts in right field I think I have a very good chance of cashing in on JD’s hamstring malaise. JD arrived in Camp Feel Good in Fort Myers this past week and immediately told everyone within earshot that he “felt bad” because his chronic hamstring problem is lingering. WTF - he had the whole off-season to address this and shows up in FLA and drops this bomb on Red Sox Nation.

My strategic hammy thinking goes like this: JD has always been hurting or on the verge of hurting and has the lowest pain tolerance in professional sports, he turns 35 soon, this is the final season in a 5 year $70million deal and is looking forward to retiring, he probably won’t bat any higher than 7^th, he is coming off career worsts of BA .255, OBP .341 – 46 points below career average AND he only hit .205 against lefties! Therefore, he will not see many/any left handed pitchers and with Mike Cameron, Darnell McDonald, Ryan Kalish and Josh Reddick in the wings this looks like a LOCK!

Ouuuuuch!

    

Labor Pains

    

 The NFL’s labor related work stoppage is quickly approaching. The collective bargaining agreement between the NFL’s 32 teams (owners) and the NFL Players Association expires on March 3, 2010. NFL owners will probably lock out the players. A lock out is when an employer (owners) won’t let the employees (players) go to work. The purpose of a lock out is to pinch off the employee’s cash flow and benefits flow. The reason it’s a lockout and not a strike? The owners are dissatisfied with current agreement (60% of gross revenue) and want it more league (owner) friendly.

     How do you split a $9billion dollar pie? That is essentially the issue. Sure, there are some smaller issues; 18 game season, rookie wage scale, drug testing, pensions, concussions, retirement programs-all of it is secondary to the split.

     Owners say they need a bigger piece of that pie to grow the business; fund new stadiums, grow the game overseas and explore new business ventures. The owners say the down economy and all has shrunk their bottom lines. The NFL Players Association says show us your books, but the owners hate that NFLPA will see their books w/ all monies and bottom lines.

     What now? Worse case-drawn out lock out causing a shortened season-essentially fucking up mine and your fall/winter. Best case-mediation defuses the emotional counter-parts and they find a middle ground with a normal season start.

     There are a lot of dynamics at play here. Let’s start with the situations each point man is facing. NFLPA kingpin Demaurice Smith is trying to defend a deal the players saw them realize unprecedented gains. Will he bend to get a deal done? Is his constituency strong enough to stand behind him?

     NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is in a similar spot. He’s representing 31 men accustomed to winning at the bargaining table. The loss they suffered in 2006 has them pissed. If they don’t bend, can he bring them around?

     I suspect some very heavy handed maneuvering to be done. The owners will say the players haven’t bargained in good faith and try to impose a best-last offer and make the payers work under it. The players may then opt to strike. Or the players can de-certify their union and then the National Labor Relations Board could get involved. That would be bad for the owners because then their antitrust exemption would fall under scrutiny.

My guess? It will come to heavy pushing and ugly shoving and the players will break. With more than 700 free agent players and 200 rookies not guaranteed paychecks the need to get paid will win out. Their will be no winners or losers only people who’ve lost less.

 

Texas Bud

I received this gift, a bottle of Texas Bud, from a buddy who made the mistake of attending SB XLV. My buddy threw the dice and bought cheap airfare tixs to Dallas when our Patriot’s were steam rolling thru the NFL and had just demolished the J-E-T-S, 45-3. Ironically it was those same Jets that ruined our post season and made for a less appealing reason to visit Dallas in February. Dallas is a toxic mix: a hell hole covered in a sheet of ice with no salt/sand/snow plows, the only reason to visit Dallas is to visit the infamous book depository/grassy knoll with a  museum that remembers the tragedy in ’63 when they shot a person with Massachusetts roots (which makes me very uncomfortable), many strip clubs, rednecks, rednecks, and more rednecks, hate groups, muchos Mexicans, socially retarded Texans, "Texas on the Brink", a very red state of inbred republicans with a very limited gene pool, Texans driving trucks with gun racks and hosting the biggest football game of the  2010-2011 season SB XLV. The big event took place @ JerryWorld which seats 110,000 people unless you are one of those 600 poor fans that JerryWorld couldn’t seat-oooops! Oh, don’t forget The Jerry-Tron the world’s biggest video screen-that looks like an IMAX and a blue whale had a baby. SB in Texas, no thanks!

Just wondering-what do you think a regional version of Boston Bud would have on the label-baked beans, cod, the Zakem bridge, Old North Church, Cheers, Samuel Adams, Mayor Curley, Mayor Menino or Old Ironsides. Leave me your ideas in comments, thanks.                 

                  

February Thaw !

February sucks big time! It’s grey and snow crusted mid winter with absolutely no light at the end of the miserable winter hell-hole tunnel in sight- where the f’ is spring!?! I always suffer my annual heavy duty, head-clogged & chest twisted cold for 2 weeks. So I start a very heavy self medication program of alcohol and random medicine cabinet mix of mystery pills therapy. The NFL football season is sadly over after the first weekend and there is a serious threat of an NFL lock out-OUCH! Yes, the Red Sox’s start throwing balls in Fort Myers but the NBA and NHL are in meaningless, mid-season cruise control games. The only 2 redeeming things for month #2 are; 1. February is only 28 days(usually) and 2. SI’s annual swimsuit issue… YUMBO! I got immediate mid-winter defrost therapy in my mailbox this AM!

Benedict James- "Boston game 5 we watched you quit" !



UNLIKE !

           

“I am taking my talents to South Beach” is an uber-bitch slap to the entire city of Cleveland/state of Ohio. I am not upset that he made the change of teams BUT how he did it. He humiliated an entire city/state on national television with the single MOST self indulgent event ever. Mother F-ing Benedict James sold out his hometown city for the shallow flash of tanned and beautiful Miami. Fuck him!!! I am a life long Boston Celtic fan but those 8 words were the most egregious ever uttered by a professional athlete and have enraged me. So, yes I attended the Celtics/Heat game this past Sunday and I witnessed Benedict James MISS a very crucial free throw in the final moments to help Miami lose to my Celtics!!!!! And Rondo masterfully defended the NBA’s pathetic Benedict Arnold :)!!!!!

Benedict James

Good seats and comped!

Patriot's Trifecta

Ohhh shitttttt!!!!!

     Our steam-rolling Patriots have just completed one of the great five game runs in Patriot’s history and are three games away from a triple: Executive of the Year, Coach of the Year and MVP.

Clearly, Tom Brady is going to have to completely fall apart to lose the MVP momentum after another brilliant game. QB12 hit 27 of 40 for a season-high 369 yards, 2 TD, 0 INT and a 113.4 QB rating against one of the league’s best defenses – in a blizzard! Our Patriots kicked frosty bear ass while winning 36-7.

Coach Belichick is in a two-man race for Coach of the Year with Mike Smith of Atlanta, and the edge has to go to the hooded one. The restructuring of the offense in the middle of the season, combined with an overhaul on defense, should not add up to 11 and 2. Atlanta has matched the record, but not the achievement.

Coach BB might get edged out by Smith, or even a long shot like Raheem Morris in Tampa or Todd Haley in Kansas City if their teams win out. But our sweat-shirted savant seems to have the clubhouse lead.

And director of player personnel, Nick Caserio, might be considered second to Belichick in the front office, but the same was true when Scott Pioli won Executive of the Year honors in 2003 and 2004. New England’s 2010 draft delivered seven major contributors, they got a third-round pick for the useless Randy Moss, they got the superior Deion Branch for a fourth, and they added Danny Woodhead off the street. That’s a lot of good work in one off-season, and a lot of payoff. Big D, we will see you in February!

The Fat. The Loud. The Abrasive.

Coach Adipose Rex

Sexy Rexy is full of; an endless mouthful of bombastic bluster, dozens of greasy double cheeseburgers, an explosive colon full of insufferable bravado, embarrassing pre-mature self coronation, rolls of very jiggly swagger and has a very peculiar penchant for stinky cheese and feet.  Coach Rhetoric Rex and his New Jersey Jets will crash & burn in Foxborough on Sunday. The Jets will go down faster & harder than that mysterious swarm of 5000+ dead birds in Arkansas!

J-E-T-S

The Football Gene

      I am a football guy! I do enjoy most sports (hockey, not so much-I like my teeth, as is) but football is clearly # 1. This goes beyond the massive amounts of testosterone (albeit drastically diminishing) coursing through my ripped body. I am genetically predisposed to love football-thanks dad. It goes to the DNA level; I have that oval shaped, football gene.  Pigskin is my favorite smell, the red zone (and that pink zone-thanks testosterone) are my 2 favorite things in the universe and I bow in reverence to the Gridiron Gods daily!

      But, I may be having a seismic DNA reshuffling. The Red Sox are to blame for all of this. The HOT STOVE (Gonzalez & Crawford) is blazing and my Red Sox Nation membership card is temporarily (?) now in front of my Patriot’s Nation MasterCard in my wallet. Theo, keep up the good work! Now, I can barely wait to kick some Yankee ass!!!

Scrambled Brains !

Ouch!



           

I was recently concussed. No, it was several years ago. Well, maybe it was when I was just a youngster in northern Framingham. Whatever, I sometime and somehow,   severely bumped my head, seriously scrambled my brains, lost consciousness and logged some extended hospital time. I don’t think extremely large amounts of alcohol were involved that time. But, up until recently I had no excuses for my life long of bizarre & twisted behaviors and my peculiar obsessions for candy canes and dish towels.

     Now, new medical research at the B.U. School of Concussive Sciences has given me reason to lay blame. A brilliant study by this B.U. school is published in the N.E. Journal of Medicine and says that even one severe concussion can cause a lifelong of chronic mental illness. Now, I am NOT responsible for anything I have done the past forty-something years! What a relief. I look forward to the balance of my guilt-free and reckless life, dazed and confused but happy.

Man Jewelry !

The other day I came across the following story in the morning newspaper: "Charlie Sheen hospitalized after 36-hour coke binge involving five porn stars." I didn't blink. Has Charlie Sheen entered the "Mike Tyson Zone," or is he breaking new ground? Do we need a "Charlie Sheen Zone?" Yes, and he has set the bar pretty high, figuratively and literally. Party on!

I am not much of a man-jewelry kind of guy but recently “the man” has firmly asked me to wear an electronic ankle bracelet. Yes, I went on a Charlie Sheen-like hyper-bender after our NEP lost to the NYJ. Now I can’t leave the confines of our fine state’s border and I have some utilitarian style ankle jewelry. Please don’t ask!

Kardashianed...

  
 It all started out so innocently. Socialite acquaintances of mine, Tareq & Michaela Salahi, set me up on a blind date with one of the Kardashian sisters. Normally, I am happy with meeting women through Craigslist transactions but this sounded interesting and a credit card number wasn’t asked for, in advance.

     I was on my way to pick up my prize for the evening, a Kardashian, driving my late model Camry through the Back Bay. Suddenly, I was surrounded by what appeared to be Somali pirates- carjacked on Commonwealth!!?? My genetically superior Bostonian driving skills instinctively reacted as I pinned my Toyota’s accelerator to the floor narrowly escaping the grasp of Abdu and his mates. My V6 Camry reacted like a champ and accelerated violently, hurtling down

Comm. Ave.

while resembling a North Korean missile display. But, but, but my Toyota wouldn’t slow down and as I sped through Boston and as the g-forces increased I lost consciousness…

     I awoke in a pool of sweat and spilled Pabst Blue Ribbon while tightly grasping my pillow like a discharged air bag. Thankful that it was just a bad dream yet still feeling like I was recovering from a minor tasering accident.

     These New England winters are too damn long. Thankfully, February is only 28 days

'Roid Rage on the Grill !

BBQ Nation is not immune from the social ills of American life. Yes, steroids have crept into the culture of BBQ.  Sadly, it is now common practice of the Kansas City BBQ Society to require pee tests for all BBQ competitors. Some of the competing teams look more like fully juiced W.W.E. performers or ‘roid raged Mixed Martial Arts dudes. Pathetically, there is a dude on the BBQ competition circuit whom goes by the moniker “The Smoking & Choking Vortex of BBQ Death” Randy Stone.

BBQ team names used to be cute, folksy, reasonably humorous and home spun like; “Uncle Billy’s BBQ Team”, “Swine Time Lucille”, “3 Fat Guys & a Smoker” and “Hog Day Afternoon”. But, since Vince McMahon and steroids have tainted the backyards of America, we now have team names like; “BBQ Team Balco”, “Raging & Ripped Rib Goliaths”, “What’s Your Problem? BBQ Team” and “Pumped & Punishing Porcine Pugilist & BBQ Squad”.

     As the commissioner of BBQ Nation, it is my responsibility to clean up this sticky and greasy BBQ steroid mess. With the help of plenty of napkins and an occasional handy wipe, I will return the integrity of the sport of BBQ and recreational home smoking. I will be working with MLB (Major League Barbecue) and report back to you soon with an in depth, BBQ sauce stained study and a fully tested BBQ 12 step recovery program.

     Finally, for the time being, fire up your backyard grills and smokers and then “Just say no!” Sadly, “No and slow.” will become the new mantra of BBQ.

Just say no and slow !

Xanaxdude !

I am suffering from over stimulation, yet underwhelmed. I am concerned about drinking the Obama-Biden stimulus kool aid but I sip the bitter sweet beverage willingly. I cannot imagine anything with 12 zeroes attached. Fed up with steroid talk. Toxic assets talk-done. What digital TV transition?  Canadian geese are the new airline terrorist. I’m particularly troubled by NFL “excessive celebration” penalties. I have considered water boarding as therapy. But, most troubling-peanut butter! Of all the fundamental of American life that I’ve come to distrust, I now have lost faith in peanut butter. If you can’t trust something that sticks to the roof of your mouth, what’s left to trust?

Yes, winter has beaten me up again !!! March will be roaring in like a BBQ’d lion and departing like a BBQ'd lamb soon. BUT, I am an eternal optimist; mentally burying the negatives and magnifying the positives that abound; Dunkin Donuts’ new waffle breakfast sandwich, Camp Feel Good in Fort Myers, the Boston Celtics reloading with veteran talent, ashleymadison.com, our Black & Gold Bruins making this city a real 5 sport town, Nick @ Nite programming, Jordan furniture’s monster payback promo, more Heidi Watney, and yes- Spring is within sight. They are playing baseball in Fort Myers! New Sox's Carl and Adrien are warming my heart!

Meat Rampage

I received a terrific, tasty, tummy tome as a gift this holiday season, The Shameless Carnivore – a manifesto for meat lovers by Scott Gold. This is a must read for any casual carnivore as it is packed with valuable information, such as, what qualities to look for in a good butcher.

As a BBQ guy, a meat-centric merchant of much magnitude; I issue a red-blooded call to arms for the meat adoring masses to rise up, speak out and show your pride. The average American eats 219 lbs. of meat every year - self righteous vegetarians are the enemy! Curiously, I do occasionally enjoy my veggies (no beets or lima beans, please) and have been known to finish a salad, as long as it is liberally dusted with bacon bits.

Holiday Plan

       Thankfully, the holidays are over! I do love my family but barely tolerate my extended families and only in very, very short doses during the forced & grueling holiday, family visits. Clearly, they should feel the same way about me because at this season’s family soirée I deliberately dropped a relentless, staccato barrage of offensive statements aimed at everyone and a very heavy BP oil-like slick of offensive odors for all holiday revelers to painfully share. Maybe, I took it a bit too far when I “Sal Alosi’d” my mother in law and then pleaded defensive indifference. She deserves better, as I really like the chartreuse, XXL Burmese Yak wool sweater she gave me this year – NOT! Mercifully, this was all done by clever design in preparation of holidays to come – UNCLE DON IS NO LONGER INVITED :)!

Dazed & Confused

    If I am guilty of anything, it is clearly chronic, scarily excessive caffeine abuse. I generally start the day with a quick nose candy like snort of a line of fresh ground Guatemalan dark roast off the kitchen counter. I follow this up with a more pedestrian xxxl mug of Joe with just a splash of milk. WTF-Starbucks is now tempting my twitching body, hyper-fibrillating aorta and dangerously, severe caffeine habit with their new–Trenta, 31 oz. of green, grunge goddess coffee. The Starbucks company line is, Trenta, is Italian for the number 30. But, I know better, Trenta is the coffee goddess of sleepless nights and raging drivel from my computer keyboard. Be worried my friends!

Too Much Smoke Leads to Brain Damage!

Hi, do you come here often?

The BBQ Genome Project is a National Institute of Health research project based in Washington, D.C.. The N.I.H. project is attempting to identify the genetic level make up of those that love and practice the art of BBQ – the "BBQ gene". Some white jacketed brainiacs in Washington at the N.I.H. are attempting to tell me why I love and practice the art of BBQ. Let me tell you why I love BBQ and why BBQ is the quintessential guy food. There is some magical, mystical mixture of meat, fire, Y chromosome, smoke, beer and testosterone that makes it so ! It’s that easy - just call me,  Doctor Don, with my PhB - doctorate in BBQ.

Tom Brady is above questioning !

  

 I don’t question anything they- Coach Hoodie or QB12- do EVER! This may look like a strange way to prepare for the the seaon but I am comfortable with it. Just don't let Theo see this! Tom has that Midas touch. This is a guy that had prime beef (Bridgette Moynihan) and upgraded to Kobe beef (Giselle Bunchden) in nanoseconds. I am in delirious awe !!!!

Sports Fans Are All a Bunch of Drunks

     A new study conducted by the University of Minnesota shows that eight percent of sports fans are legally drunk when they leave the game. This comes as a great disappointment to me, public safety officials, as well as beer distributors. Just eight percent!?! Pathetic!

     The UMinn study sampled departing fans and found that 60% of fans had no alcohol in their system, so I presume this test took place after a BYU game. Forty percent had drunk alcohol, and 8% were over the .08 BAC legal limit.

     For a typical 180 lb male or a typical 180 lb. Minnesota female, it takes about 3 – 16 oz. beers to get that high. Let’s put this in proper context. Three beers are more than the average patron consumes at the movies, grade school plays and operas. It’s absolutely less than the average patron at bars, frat parties, N.E. Patriot’s games or a Motörhead concerts.

     Implied in this study is the notion that alcohol is bad (it was funded by a substance abuse group). And it isn’t! People who drink alcohol and do bad things are just bad people. It’s entirely acceptable to go to the stadium and drink the game away, as long as you’re not an asshole. Don’t start fights. Don’t drive drunk. Stay thirsty my friends!